gather the universe

As a woman, I’ve spent most of my life apologizing in some way or another for who I am—for simply taking up space. Not always in sweeping, dramatic ways, but insidious, subtle- I said, ‘oh, no it’s fine, you go ahead’ when it was not fine. I said, ‘I don’t understand’ when I absolutely did. I said ‘you go first’ when it was my turn. I said ‘it doesn’t matter to me.’ When it did. I said ‘it’s my fault.’ When it wasn’t.

I’ve definitely said ‘yes’ when I meant ‘no.’ And I’ve said ‘no’ when I meant ‘no’ only to be told I really meant ‘yes.’

 I’ve apologized for ‘getting emotional’ countless times- as if one of the fundamental parts of being a human is a point of shame.

 The process of coming into this awareness, for me at least, is never over. Just the other day a man on his phone slammed into me-I was standing still, he wasn’t paying attention. My hot coffee spilled all over me. I said “Oh! I’m so sorry!” without thinking and then I actually asked if he was ok. He gave me that gesture like, ‘hey watch where you’re going’ making sure he didn’t miss a beat of his conversation.

 I have shame that it took having a daughter for me to really wake up to the ways I obliquely corroborate the subtle narratives all women navigate in the world and in themselves. I want her to value herself innately without needing to justify, manage or excuse who she is. Yet as her mother, her first and last reference point to the world—I didn’t value myself innately to do the work for myself, I had to use her as an excuse to confront these issues. I wasn’t enough on my own.

 The masculine and feminine polarities of our world are drastically out of balance. We all- men, women, everyone in between- have lifetimes of work to do to fix that. The masculine (not gendered as male) qualities of drive, assertion, ambition and power (DO-ing) - in themselves vital expressions of the human construct, have so overpowered the feminine’s (energy, not gender) receptivity, flow, expression and intuition (BE-ing)—it’s inertia will easily consume the earth within a few generations.

 Many of us have, in various ways-committed our lives to doing what we can to incite change in the world around us. Environmental, political, educational, social—all of these systems need transformation. But I’ve learned, am forever learning that if we really want change, the protests, reforms and revolutions that must happen out there, must happen in here as well. We cannot call the world into balance from a place of imbalance. We cannot demand our governments ‘have a heart’ with the same internalized aggression and fear that created a government of aggression and fear. It’s like when I yell at my kids to stop yelling. We’re getting nowhere.

 When I have to justify myself or prove my worthiness to the world, to my family, to ‘the cause’—through my actions—however well-intended—I am participating in a destructive pattern that at its root denies me of my inherent value. And when I don’t value myself inherently, I do not serve the world.

 For the last 4 years, on this gnarly and harrowing journey back to my fullest self, I’ve battled shame, resistance, assumptions and judgements. I’ve allowed myself my desire—my rage, and everything in between. I’ve confronted the parts of myself so ensconced in fear—witnessing how they shapeshift, wearing different faces, stories about the world, about myself, about those who’ve hurt or loved me—all to protect a part of me that no longer needs protection. I have reclaimed so much of myself I believed I couldn’t have. It has cost me, in many ways—my life. The life I thought I was supposed to live. But, in return, it has oriented me to a fuller, freer, more powerful version of myself. And there’s no going back. I am learning if I want to model to my daughter an empowered, awake, impactful, empathic woman—I need to do it for myself, not for her. Not for the world. But because I take up space. Because I have value outside of being a mother, or an activist, or artist or woman. And when I’m able to ground myself in that truth, my life flows with ease and impact and pleasure.  

So, it’s my work to continue to show up for myself so that I can show up in the world. And out of this work has evolved new work in the form of supporting other women on their own journeys home to themselves. I am humbled and awe-struck to witness the transformative power available to all of us—when we practice saying yes.

As a capstone to my 4 years of somatic reorientation at the Radical Aliveness Institute of Los Angeles, I am inviting women and female identified people to join me in this powerful work on my land for a 2 day retreat in the woods of Northern California. We will be courageously and tenderly exploring the paradigm shifting power of the sensual feminine. We will be healing and witnessing and being witnessed in a fuller expression of our bodies, hearts and souls. Using the earth herself as our territory, we will map a path back to ourselves through ritual, inquiry, expression and connection. If you are interested in returning to your senses with me, please email Mary@feraling.com for questions and registration procedure. Please note I have a limited number of spots available.

Oh, and this is a free offering.